Talking it out…

So it’s been a couple of weeks now since we received the official “news” of our infertility diagnosis. Two weeks of time to obsess and ponder; fret and hope; cry and share. I spent a couple of hours last week with a great woman from our church, Mrs. O… she and her husband have walked this journey and are now on the other side, with two beautiful boys they adopted.

It was really nice to just talk to someone else, in person, who’s been there. I asked her “How did you do it? How did you survive Mothers’ Day services, and baby showers, and every. single. person. you know getting pregnant?” She paused for a moment and told me that she cried a lot.

It’s amazing how reassuring that was to hear. I’m crying a lot. Like at anything. Out of nowehere these tidal waves show up and I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe… I’m panicking. Another pregnancy announcement on FB and I’m pretty sure I’m going to turn into Godzilla and start trampling people. Seriously.

Another thing she told me was that it was important to take some time and just let everything sink in – to process it all. She said that she understands that my first inclination is to do something. DO. SOMETHING. She’s right… I feel panicked to make progress.  She said that they took 3 (maybe even 6, I think) months to just think and talk and pray and figure out next steps. Instinctively I feel like she’s right. We are in the middle of reno chaos right now, and I’m not sure either of us could handle much more now anyhow… and to be honest, I’m hoping that once our home feels like a home again (instead of the construction zone that it is right now), it will help to give perspective on everything.

Or at least I hope so.

That being said, I’m still struggling with the idea that unless we have a miracle BFP, we will have to essentially pay for children. Whether that includes any combination of finances, emotion, psychological, etc., costs, we will be paying… this will cost us.

I guess that my hope right now is that whatever the outcome of all of this is, that He will use this to make me a better mom. That one day, when it’s our time (however that happens), I will be a more patient, appreciative, seasoned, loving, balanced mother. That we will appreciate our child(ren) as the gift(s) they are.

That being said, I’m focusing on the word “hope” these days. We all need hope, right? Whether it’s for a family, or to meet your future spouse, or to get the right position with the right company… or anything, really. We all need hope for the future. So here’s my little peek into hope: crocuses in our front yard. I saw these two weeks ago, which is always nice here in February… it’s generally so grey and gloomy and rainy.

They’re just little, but they remind me that spring is coming.

Spring is coming.

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