Mixed Emotions

So… just found out that my brother (Will) and sister-in-law (Dawn) are pregnant again. They’re 6 1/2 weeks along and due in June 2012. I find myself feeling this weird combination of emotions.

Firstly, I’m super happy for them. I wish them nothing but the very best in life and in their family, and I’m really excited about a new little neice or nephew to join the clan. I’m not bitter at them at all.

Secondly, however, I’m insanely jealous, sad, and generally having a big ol’ pity party. It’s not so much about what they have and are getting, but rather what we don’t have, what we have gone through, and what it will take for us to have two children. Namely a lot of hard work (interviews, education programs, references, waiting, etc.) and uncertainty (when? what? how? who? if?), and then even after all that, there will likely be lots more challenges in raising children who’ve gone through such difficult passages. I’m jealous that it seems so easy for everyone else, and that more than two years after we began this journey in earnest, we’re nowhere near our goal. In fact I feel like I’ve gone from being on one speeding train to jumping onto a different speeding train… so much hard work, heartache, and frustration – with nothing to show for it. Grrr…

But finally, I’m a little relieved. Four months ago this would have killed me. I would have been bawling all weekend and in a huge slump for days – bent over with grief. In some ways it’s encouraging to know that althugh I feel a little sorry for myself, it’s not hit me as hard as it would have back then.

Hopefully that’s progress and healing, and hopefully that means that one day these wounds will heal enough to not be so painful. These scars of infertility will always be a part of me, us, and our life but hopefully they will fade a little with time and one day when I get one of these calls, there won’t be mixed feelings – there’ll just be happiness for the joy in the loves of those I love.

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